Conservatives fight back against “excessive” wage claims in the NHS

Tim Lezard Europe, UK,

Conservative ToryThe Conservative Party today announces it is to ban the membership of trade unions for public servants.

The move is believed to have been provoked by recent strikes in the NHS, together with campaigns against zero hours contracts and a demand for the Living Wage.

A spokesperson for the Conservative Party said: “Trade unions have long been a thorn in the side of businesses, denting their profits with excessive wage claims of one or two per cent.

“Workers should be grateful to have a job at all – even if it’s low-paid and insecure – and as our election campaign is funded almost entirely by big business, we think it is only right we give them something in return. We have decided to serve them up the heads of general secretaries on a plate.”

In response, Labour leader Ed Miliband said: “Blurblbymumblemeblugrh.” USi understands this muffling was because he was speaking from inside the pocket of the unions. Or was it the inside the pocket of Alex Salmond? Or did he have a mouthful of bacon sandwich?

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said: “If it wasn’t for us standing up to the Tories, Congress House would have already been razed to the ground.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “I hate trade unions more than foreigners … *hic* … and I really, really, really hate foreigners, let me tell you.”

Green Party leader Natalie Bennett said: “We like trade unions, unless they’re in Brighton.”

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said: “We don’t like unions. We prefer independents.”

Plaid Cymru leader Leanne Wood said: “Given the choice between union and league, we’d choose union, so vote for us.”

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Tim Lezard

Campaigning journalist, editor of @Union_NewsUK, NUJ exec member; lover of cricket, football, cycling, theatre and dodgy punk bands

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